I’ve been trying this thing called mindful eating.
It’s worked out for me very well these past few weeks but these past few days I’ve fallen off the bandwagon a bit. As I write this post my stomach is bloated and I can’t even completely do my yoga practice because my stomach is so flubby and just not feeling great. My throat is really dry. I’ve eaten brownies for lunch for the past two days. It’s an issue. I felt sick as heck last night at Steph’s party. I ate two pieces of backlava and it was quite terrible. I don’t know why I did that I need to reestablish my eating patterns. Eat good food in moderation. I’m not eating good food and I’m eating a bit too much of it. This morning I had three slices of toast with beans and avo and mushrooms and tomato and that was really nice I mean really nice, and I felt nourished and good afterward, but that brownie messed me up and at night I basically ate a whole meal of just sticky rice. I mean wot. Just sticky rice. Which is probably why I feel disgusting right now. My body can’t deal with it and I just want to go on a juice cleanse omg but I can’t because Dr. McVeagh would go off at me there’s just a lot of bad going on right now I eat because I want to compensate for later and before and that’s just the exact opposite of what mindful eating is all about and I just need to stop and be in tune with my body and not have all this shit going on omg. Eat when you’re hungry and stop when you’re full.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about what I want to do with my life and who I want to be. I’ve realised that I want to be something. Not just something mediocre, but I want to make an impact, to be worth something, not just in financial terms, but to myself. To look back on my life and feel like I’ve achieved something. That through hard work I’ve gotten somewhere where I’ve never felt was possible before. I want to do medicine. I want to be a neurosurgeon. I want to earn lots of money. I want to save lives. I want to live comfortably and have the means to give back to my family, and to other people. I want to be able to make an impact. I truly believe this path will take me there. I want to be an anaesthesiologist. But first I need the foundation. And the foundation is in medicine. And this is where I want to go. I’m not scared of failure. Because I think if I really want to get there I can. I have the means to and I will get there
When I tell people that I’m vegan it’s usually followed with a slew of questions, why’d you do it, what do you hope to achieve? Why What How. and I would list the reasons I had repeated so many times before, that I had read a book, I don’t feel deserving of consuming flesh I wouldn’t take the life of, health, personal preference, and it would never be enough. There would always be another round of interrogation, until I was left with nothing to say. and it wasn’t even because there were no reasons, they just weren’t the reasons they were looking for.
I had never thought of turning around and questioning them over why they would choose to consume meat. Because now that I think about it, there aren’t any valid reasons apart from “it tastes good.”
Necessity has been taken out of the equation, in that we do not require meat to sustain our life, we have very substantial substitutes easily available to us today and it’s known that vegans can life a healthy and sustainable lifestyle indefinitely. There have been no conclusive studies on quality of life, but from what I have personally experienced, since going vegan I’ve been more aware of the foods that I’m eating, I actively seek out good tasting food that’s also good for you. I’ve stopped eating just because something’s there and I feel much better for it. And to be honest, there isn’t really much more that I can think of to argue the point for meat eaters.
From what I can assume, it seems that when I’m faced with these questions my answers have very little importance. They are just waiting for me to say that what I’m doing has no logical reasoning behind it.
So I’m done trying to explain myself. If they don’t listen, that’s not my problem. I’m not trying to convert anyone, it’s too difficult, and I wouldn’t want to because just like how being vegan is my choice and right, eating meat is their choice and right, and I shouldn’t try to force them otherwise.
I’m currently doing group work. What a loaded activity. Working with other people, that constant fear of knowing they can’t possibly do things up to your standard. I am constantly on the fine line between wanting to chastise them for their ineptitude, screaming to the void about the pointlessness of group work and being accepting of other people’s flaws and appreciative of their efforts. The dilemmas. It surprises me how inept some people can be. I also know this is a very elitist thought and that by thinking so I am only insulting myself. That I don’t understand yet. [I am moving up into higher order thoughts, thoughts about my thoughts.] I don’t understand how I can be insulting myself by insulting others. I guess judgement does not get me anywhere. I could shut up and just do it, but then again, I hate having to pick up other people’s slack. I just need to calm down and stop worrying about other people’s flaws. Mainly the flaw in their writing, the awkward jerky spasms of their language. That’s assuming that I don’t have such jerks. Which can not possibly be true, read over this and tell me how awkward it is. Please I beg you.
I feel like this conflicting view about other people is persistently shadowing my life. Between seeing their flaws and seeing their strengths. I can choose either, and when I have chosen I usually stay on that path for the longest time. Usually until someone comes and shatters my opinions. Either better than I expected humanity to be or a lot worse, and the pendulum swings to the other side.
But I’ve got to get this group work done, it’s due tomorrow. I just don’t know whether I should fix their shit or just fuck it, let them burn
Eating is difficult these days. It got to a point where I had a banana and a slice of toast in the morning to satisfy my mother and that was pretty much all I would eat that entire day. Friday was terrible. I came back and ate quite a bit for dinner, I hadn’t eaten that much in days and I hadn’t really eaten anything the rest of that day so I don’t know my stomach must not’ve been able to cope with the sudden influx of food and I just threw everything up and… it was an odd feeling because I used to starve myself when I was really sick, mentally, and it would be so difficult it took a lot to get to the point of where I wasn’t eating anything for meals. But this time there wasn’t even any lead up just one day I stopped eating lunch and every day after that I stopped eating lunch and there wasn’t anything wrong mentally, I was fine, but I just stopped eating. I must have been doing it on purpose but there wasn’t ever any conscious intention of losing weight, and I noticed I started lying to people about what I was doing because I knew something was wrong, obviously, but I kept doing it anyway and I think it got to a point where I knew there was something wrong but I’d gotten so good at ignoring parts of myself that I don’t like that I let it happen right under my nose.
Ignoring myself got me very far when I was trying to get better, that putrid feeling of worthlessness and persistent stream of self deprecation, self consciousness, evaluation, judgement, comparison… things only started to get better when I learnt how to tune out of that and just be in the present and do something else. Because the more I humoured those thoughts with my conscious attention the stronger they got. Only when I was able to ignore them could I focus on other aspects of my life. I’d gotten so good at ignoring myself that when the bad habits started to come back I turned around and kept doing my work.
After I threw up I needed to tell someone. I’m still not quite sure whether it was for attention or not but I guess not because I was thinking of all the people I was close to now and none of them had the first clue to anything to do with eating disorders and that was odd to me because there was a period where everyone around me knew what was going on, I didn’t have to tell or explain to anyone what was in my head and what was causing it. I just said I feel shit and they’d give me something to eat and I’d hate it but I’d know it was for my own good. But I’m now thinking of the people I love now and not even my closest friend really knows anything beyond the sensationalised surface. And it just made me sad that I couldn’t talk to any of these people about any of this without giving a long drawn explanation. So I didn’t. I called up this girl I was in hospital with, the first person I met there, and the only one I knew who’d gotten even close to my position in terms of recovery. And the first thing she said was “Stop. No. You don’t have the fucking time for this. You have a life. You can’t afford to deal with this shit again. Just eat.” And it was the kick I needed. I’d gotten so good at ignoring it and now it was real and now I had to deal with it.
But like how it came, it left pretty quickly. That was friday and it’s sunday now. I eat quite a lot. Quite. A. Lot. and it’s disappearing. I’m eating three square meals a day with mountains of snacks in between. And it feels normal. There’s a little voice in the back of my head that’s compensating though. It’s saying we can be normal now but when uni starts you’ve got to starve again to make up for this. Compensating is such a dangerous habit. It’s the one habit I haven’t completely managed to get rid of. I’ll let myself eat this if my next meal is tiny. It’s so ugh. It seems completely harmless, but next minute your compensating everything, creating a stash of IOU coupons in your head for everything you’re going to eat until there is no more space for them and they start flitting out the cracks of your skull. and the thing is it can go both ways. I can eat a lot now and not eat later, or I can not eat now and make up for it later. Both are stupid. Both are dangerous. And both never get redeemed.
I’ve written quite a bit. This was strangely therapeutic though, and quite invigorating. My homework for myself is to stop compensating. Easier said than done.
Uni’s been going on for quite a while and I feel like it’s just flown past. It’s already halfway though the first semester and I honestly don’t know what I’ve been doing for the past few months. I’ve kind of fallen off the rails. I made a whole bunch of friends when uni first started and to be honest from the beginning I knew they weren’t that great of an influence, but they were good people right? And we had fun together. Oh all the fun we had it was hilarity left right centre down up sideways I did a lot of stuff that I didn’t think I’d ever do and said a lot of things that I thought I’d never say. They helped me come out of my shell and for that I am thankful.
But I don’t know how much longer I can or want to stick around with them. It’s a very non caring type of relationship I feel everyone is meeting up with people and making friends for their own gratification and it’s so superficial I feel like I have to constantly put so much effort in with them and the second I don’t people just flake off. I feel like I can’t depend on them. And they help each other because they want something in return. Like I had one super close friend out of the whole bunch of 20 or so people and it was just so difficult with him because it felt like he talks to me just to make other people jealous that he’s got so many friends. And when other people aren’t watching there’s suddenly nothing to say, but when there are we’re suddenly like best friends of the century. And seriously I feel used. The others aren’t like that but if I don’t reach out they won’t either. I’m so scared of being boring around them that I can’t relax and they’re drinking every second day at the roundhouse which is where the bar is at uni and sometimes I just feel empty we can’t have a proper conversation that doesn’t involve other people and who they’re hooking up with and who they’re tuning and it’s just so EMPTY.
Vacuous, transient, superficial. It’s SO superficial, and it can be blown away in a second and when I get home and the buzz of the alcohol has worn off there’s nothing left, I look at what I have and there’s nothing. And then I feel like it’s because I’m not trying hard enough and it’s just this horrible self loathing that it’s my fault and I know for a fact that it’s not and they’re just not suited to be good friends and I’m forcing a thing that’s not going to happen. Oh my gosh.
I just don’t want to have conversations just about other people anymore. I don’t want to talk about other people because i find that when the conversation gets to that point it’s because there’s not enough about each other that we want to talk about so we resort to outside topics. And it makes me sad that this is all these people care to think and talk about. And I gave up so much to put effort into these people. I’m actually falling very behind in uni work and my liver isn’t coping that well and there’s lots of things I’ve done that I quite regret very much because I’ve been very intoxicated that I just can’t afford to be doing right now. And it’s just not worth it anymore. They don’t care. Caring is such a hard thing to find these days. Seriously I just want to find people that care, genuinely. Because I did and all that I got was silence.