Wow it’s been a while

Uni’s been going on for quite a while and I feel like it’s just flown past. It’s already halfway though the first semester and I honestly don’t know what I’ve been doing for the past few months. I’ve kind of fallen off the rails. I made a whole bunch of friends when uni first started and to be honest from the beginning I knew they weren’t that great of an influence, but they were good people right? And we had fun together. Oh all the fun we had it was hilarity left right centre down up sideways I did a lot of stuff that I didn’t think I’d ever do and said a lot of things that I thought I’d never say. They helped me come out of my shell and for that I am thankful. 

But I don’t know how much longer I can or want to stick around with them. It’s a very non caring type of relationship I feel everyone is meeting up with people and making friends for their own gratification and it’s so superficial I feel like I have to constantly put so much effort in with them and the second I don’t people just flake off. I feel like I can’t depend on them. And they help each other because they want something in return. Like I had one super close friend out of the whole bunch of 20 or so people and it was just so difficult with him because it felt like he talks to me just to make other people jealous that he’s got so many friends. And when other people aren’t watching there’s suddenly nothing to say, but when there are we’re suddenly like best friends of the century. And seriously I feel used. The others aren’t like that but if I don’t reach out they won’t either. I’m so scared of being boring around them that I can’t relax and they’re drinking every second day at the roundhouse which is where the bar is at uni and sometimes I just feel empty we can’t have a proper conversation that doesn’t involve other people and who they’re hooking up with and who they’re tuning and it’s just so EMPTY. 

Vacuous, transient, superficial. It’s SO superficial, and it can be blown away in a second and when I get home and the buzz of the alcohol has worn off there’s nothing left, I look at what I have and there’s nothing. And then I feel like it’s because I’m not trying hard enough and it’s just this horrible self loathing that it’s my fault and I know for a fact that it’s not and they’re just not suited to be good friends and I’m forcing a thing that’s not going to happen. Oh my gosh.

I just don’t want to have conversations just about other people anymore. I don’t want to talk about other people because i find that when the conversation gets to that point it’s because there’s not enough about each other that we want to talk about so we resort to outside topics. And it makes me sad that this is all these people care to think and talk about. And I gave up so much to put effort into these people. I’m actually falling very behind in uni work and my liver isn’t coping that well and there’s lots of things I’ve done that I quite regret very much because I’ve been very intoxicated that I just can’t afford to be doing right now. And it’s just not worth it anymore. They don’t care. Caring is such a hard thing to find these days. Seriously I just want to find people that care, genuinely. Because I did and all that I got was silence.

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